I’m… leaving?
It’s hard to put into words how this is actually making me feel. It’s weird to say goodbye to a place that I’ve spent the majority of my adult life knowing that whenever I return it just won’t be the same.
I had intentionally scheduled a therapy appointment this morning anticipating a lot of…emotion.
But it wasn’t until the last 10 minutes that I finally dug into how I was really feeling.
And the truth is. I’m sad.
It feels like a breakup. Not bad enough for me to leave in a fit and never want to return. But not good enough for me to live my brightest and best life.
And I know that Malaysia isn’t really that much of a difference, but it’s different enough that I feel the weightiness of it all.
I remember when I first realized I was living here for longer than I went to university…. And now that time has doubled.
I’ve lived a lot of life here. I’ve learned, I’ve thrived, I’ve grown, I’ve cried. I’ve really done it all. I was telling my therapist that even though it feels insane to let go, I know how much I needed this to happen. That I had hit my ceiling and am yearning to stretch out my limbs a little more. And so here I go.
In a lot of ways, this feels scarier than when I first moved to Thailand. Maybe I was just more reckless at 22 (probably) or maybe I just understand the possibilities of what can happen in the next two years that kind of terrify me.
But right now, the only direction I can move is forward. And forward looks like two weeks locked into a room in a state quarantine.
Updates will definitely be coming as to how that whole process is going.
True to form, this is being written as I sit at my gate, much like my first flight to Thailand. And they are currently calling me to board…
So…. I’ll update this when I get to MALAYSIA.
