As of September 26, it’s been 7 years since I moved to SE Asia.
I think that the more I think about that time frame, the more I don’t understand.
It’s one of those things that somehow brings me to shock if I think about it too hard.
I’m going to spare you the “if I was younger this is never how I pictured my life” speech. But it’s only ever going to be more apt each year on out.
I specifically remember by year 4 being shocked that I’d managed to stay in Asia longer than I had ever attended university. (yeah, I refer to college as university now – weird) and my time over here has officially doubled that.
My first year in Malaysia
This last year has looked quite a bit different than the ones before. and even though I’m pretty sure I said this last year, I think that this might have been my hardest year yet. I think that 2020 was hard simply because of the changes that the world was going through. But last year seemed hard because normalcy felt like carrot dangled above me that I couldn’t quite reach.
I had finally moved to Malaysia only to have a few weeks of adjustment before being thrown into the world of online learning and lockdowns. The whole world was doing different things that the comparison of how different countries were handing COVID was stark.
It felt like while I was in Malaysia unable to leave a 2 block radius, my friends in the states were finally able to have “normal” lives. They were able to do whatever (it seemed) they wanted.
It was the first year where I finally thought about coming home for good. Anyone who read my instagram captions might have said the same thing. I look back on some of the things I wrote and instantly see all the darkness that had been surrounding me.
It’s a weird thing to look back on because, at the surface, nothing was really wrong. Things were actually kind of good! I was really enjoying my new job and getting to meet a lot of people. But my depression and anxiety were at an all time high. I just never felt happy and felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.
If I’m being honest, I was barely holding my shit together and I’m really proud that I ended up making it in the first place. I had started therapy towards the end of the first quarter and most of my sessions had me weeping in agony. I don’t know how else to phrase it other that my heart was crushed and my spirit was completely broken.
The goal this summer was to get int touch with myself again. And to fill my cup. Whatever that meant.
Then I went home for the summer
Because of a weird tax thing, I was to receive some money from the Malaysian government if I stayed in the country until July 1st. It wasn’t a small amount, but nothing that I hadn’t already been living without. Most new staff will stay and then receive their money. But last year, all but 1 of the new single staff left early because they just couldn’t take it anymore.
If that doesn’t tell you about our collective mental state then I don’t know what does.
We had gotten word that we were going to be online for the rest of the year. It then took all of 3 minutes for me to change my flight to be a few days later. I finished up the school year in the states and reveled in sleeping in and time with my family.
The next 6 weeks were so fulfilling. I got my vaccine, hung out with friends and family, and even traveled to California and Idaho.
It was the longest amount of time I had ever spent in the states in the last 7 years. And it was fucking phenomenal.
It was the first time my mom didn’t necessarily feel like my mom, but an adult. And the first time I felt like my brother was my sibling and not just the weird uncle.
Y’all. I even cried getting on the plane back to Malaysia. Like full-on tears!! My mom had to pull me out of line so I could compose myself before boarding my flight
While I was home, Malaysia had imposed some even stricter lockdowns. Things like only 1 person out of a house or weird grocery hours. And after a summer of doing whatever I wanted, going back seemed like willingly going back to jail.
Back in Malaysia
By the time I’m writing this, things are already a bit better. I’ve actually just gotten word this morning that my condo can have visitors again(!!!) and I’ve already been able to travel to Langkawi!
Even though things are still not the best, I’m feeling much more optimistic about my future here. annnnd the idea of moving back to the states has faded quite a bit.
I’m approaching 30 though (wtf!!) and so the thought lingers in my mind. But as this little American dream starts to fade, I start to see how easy is it to pick career over love. I have thought more about me being single in the last year than in all other years combined and can’t help but wonder if it’s in the cards for me. but, that’s definitely another story for a different time.
I have one more week of work before flying BACK to an island for my half-term break.
andd I already know it’s going to be epic.
Overall, I’ve realized my life isn’t that different from anyone else’s. My struggles and wins are all the same. The background just looks a little different. I was able to find something that really works for me. and I wasn’t sure that I would ever have that.
A more detailed list will come, but right now. This is what I’m willing to share.
Until next time
xoxo
Ari
