Y’all. What. A. Year.
I don’t know about you, but this year was filled with some serious ups and some serious downs. There were moments where time seemed to stop only to speed up a few months into the future. It felt hard to keep up with what was going on – like I was in this endless spiral of movement and life happening all around me, yet I was glued to the ground.
In many ways, this has been one of the darkest years of my life with some of the brightest moments. From days and days of endless tears to finding bliss in the cold and starry desert of Morocco, this year seemed to have a little bit of everything.
At the beginning of each year I pick a word I want to focus my attention on. 2018’s word was LISTEN.
I’d be lying if I said manifesting this word in my life wasn’t a fight the whole entire year because it was. Every time I tried to ignore the signs that the universe or my body were telling me, something would happen and I was forced to confront whatever thing I was trying to run away from. Think like Jonah and the whale kind of thing with less whales and dramatics.
It almost seemed less like I had chosen “listen” and it had chosen me.
So for this years recap, instead of boring you with the specific events, I’m going to share the lessons that manifesting “listen” into my daily life has taught me.
Immerse yourself in the experience
2018 ended up being a lot about just biting the bullet and trying things out. There was never a guarantee that they were going to work, but I had to try. I had to dive in head first to see if it would really work. One of those things was this blog. Bluehost was having a deal and I had the money so I bought and deal and gave myself 5 years. 5 years to make something with this website, and if nothing happened by then, I’d move on from this dream. So if you’re reading this and you still follow me in 5 years, that means I’ve done something right.
The other thing I did towards the end of the year was get back on dating apps. Now, before you just roll your eyes, let me explain. The first several months of 2018, I sank into myself and not necessarily in a good way. I hermitted myself to the point where all I did was work. I felt like I barely knew how to have a good conversation with people I was losing interest in myself. So I got back on Tinder and Bumble and started talking to people and asking them to meet up for drinks or drives or what have you. And you know what? It turned out so well. While I didn’t find anything romantic out there (I’ve heard application for becoming a nun is quite easy now a-days ;)) it felt so nice to talk to people again. Not all of the guys were winners, but it still felt nice to see what was out there.
It’s not always easy trying new things, but if you go in with an open mind, you might be surprised with what you find.
Constantly swallowing your feelings is the fastest way to a meltdown
At the beginning of the year, I had made being okay so important that I didn’t want to deal with anything that was actually going on around me. I was cutting myself off from my feelings and going numb. But y’all, the longer you hold it all in, the weaker you become. Your resolve disappears and until it doesn’t exist anymore. All those feelings I had carefully spent hiding away burst open like a damn and suddenly, I was suddenly feeling
E V E R Y T H I N G.
And let me tell ya, that was not a fun trip.
Since I had swallowed my feelings for so long, I was completely overwhelmed and felt like I couldn’t really breathe. For that and a few other reasons I started taking anti-depressants to break away some of the cloud cover. It hurts and pleases me to say that I feel more like myself than I have in many years. I know that this isn’t a permanent solution for me, but right now it’s helping me work through a lot of dark stuff that I’ve been trying to swallow. I’m taking each day one day at a time and it’s working. It doesn’t always feel great, but it definitely feels healthier.
Community looks different in different places
For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamed about being a part of a super tight community here in Thailand. Each time I thought I had it, it’s slipped out of my hands. So I took the liberty of trying to redefine what community can look like when living abroad. It can be hard trying to make tight connections with people who only seem to stay for a few months at a time.
Whenever people left, I would immediately turn back to the people at home. But the longer I’ve been gone, the harder that’s been to do. One thing I’ve always lamented is how much I’ve lost touch with many people from Portland; that those people are in person community people and it’s a little hard to be a part of an in person community when you live halfway around the world.
It’s also taken a bit too long for me to understand that the type of community I had in Portland doesn’t have to be carbon copied here in Chiang Mai. The people that I meet here and love, tend to leave. That’s the name of the game. But instead of looking at it like I’ve lost them forever, I really just increased the amount of the people I get to love on and care about.
Being an adult is different than I pictured
Y’all. You would think that by the age of 26, I would have SOME of my ish figured out. Well, truth is, I have almost nothing figured out. I feel like I’m balancing the life of a fraud and an actual adult on a daily basis.
I’m slowing becoming okay with the fact that everyone is on a different path. Those checkmarks and mile markers we made when we were kids aren’t set in stone. They aren’t meant for everyone and they certainly weren’t right for me.
Between friends getting married left and right and some starting to have babies(!!!!!) it’s hard to not feel like I’m behind the curve. When I would tell people what I was doing in Thailand, saying I was a math teacher didn’t necessarily feel like it stacked up to those of my friends who had jobs with Roth IRA’s (honestly what is that???) and dental insurance.
Fortunately for me, those things aren’t what define being an adult. Actually, there doesn’t even seem to be a definition that defines it by the things you do or have accomplished by a certain age, just how much your body has matured. This little fact reassures me that I’m actually on the right page, even though it might be a little purple against everyone else’s black and white.
One of the keys to happiness is B A L A N C E
Most people who know me know that I am constantly working. I’m either planning, teaching, or (planning on) writing. It’s hard for me to take a break when I know that there is money to be made. I’ve always thought of it as “I’m not good enough to really take it easy “yet” so I just need to grind it out until it happens. I tend to live in this constant guilt that I have so many financial obligations that I can’t afford to take it easy if I’m not an actual vacation.
And then to no one’s surprise, my body started revolting. I’ve been sick or injured more times this year than I have in my entire life. That being said, I also don’t think I’ve ever worked as much either.
My body literally breaks down in some way to force me to take the rest that I so rudely neglect it. I wish I could say that it’s something I grew out of, but it’s been a work in progress and I know that I’m better for it. Even if I’m working to pay bills and have enough money to have fun, I can’t really enjoy myself if I’m injured or sick now can I?
I can say with the utmost confidence that it doesn’t matter how much you love your job or what goals you have and need to accomplish, you CANNOT survive going full steam ahead 24/7. If you’re looking to last for a long time in the business, then make sure you have room for things outside of work. And again, this is something that I am still desperately and seemingly failing to learn but I know to be true.
There are honestly so many other things that I could have added to this post, but these are the main things that stuck out the most. (Woah guess I’mma poet now) As much I’ve learned this year, I’m ready to shut this door and prepare for all the possibilities of 2019.
2018 seemed like it was setting up the foundation for big things to happen in 2019 and I’m both nervous and scared for what that looks like. I have some big dreams that I’ll be writing about soon and I’m excited to see how these lessons will help me achieve them!
Thank you SO much for being here and reading this. I would love to hear the things that you have learned this year so please drop a comment or send a message so we can grow together!
all my love
-Ari
