Fighting Through the Hard Stuff

These past few months have been hard.
Harder than I would like to admit.
Hard enough that confronting these emotions might be one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to do.

Have you ever had a moment where you suddenly realize that nothing will be the same?

That happened to me a few months ago.

After months of what seemed like only cloudy dark days, I started confronting a demon I’d been avoiding for the majority of my adult life.

Depression.

It’s something I think I’ve always struggled with, but never properly addressed. But that’s the funny thing about feelings, they tend to have an agenda of their own. There’s nothing like realizing you need to confront your feelings after uncontrollably sobbing during a massage.

Y’all let me tell you that I’ve never felt more alone.
I’ve never felt more insecure.
I’ve never felt more lost.
More unsure of what happiness felt like.

I felt like I had lost everything. and I wasn’t sure where to begin again.
The only thing I knew for sure was that this wasn’t me.

This wasn’t the life I was created for.

I wasn’t about to let depression control my life any more. It had already taken enough from me. I reluctantly started taking some antidepressants after alternative methods weren’t working, and I’m ashamed to admit how much they’ve been helping.

Every single day has been a fight to reclaim my life and find balance. To keep at the hustle even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball. But everyday, the fight gets a little easier, and then pain hurts a little less.

It’s been almost 6 months on meds and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. Friends are starting to tell me I’m starting to sound like my old self.
Bliss is starting to find its way back into my life.

That’s doesn’t mean that it’s all sunshine and roses now, but the clouds above seem a little less gray and this darkness seems to be clearing up a bit.

I constantly have to remind myself is that these feelings don’t last forever.
That I’m not alone in this situation.
That taking medicine doesn’t make me weak.
That this predicament doesn’t change who I am.
That I’m covered in grace and that alone is enough.

So this is just a little reminder that we are all in this together. We all have our own baggage we’re working though. Most importantly of all, I cannot do this alone. Without the constant support of my friends and family, I’m not quite sure where I would be today.

This life is so so sweet friends. Incredibly messy and confusing, but boy is it beautiful.

xoxo
-Ari