A Year of Anxiety and Depression: Lessons, Anecdotes, and Things Not To Do

About 9 months ago, I wrote an article about my personal battle between anxiety and depression.

It was hard to write.
I remember tears streaming down my face as I typed.
Knowing that it would help me, but unsure how.

Little did I know that I would be beginning the roller coaster journey of lifetime, one often involving 3 steps forward and 5 steps back.

But I when I look back at the girl that wrote that first post, I’m not even sure I recognize her. She’s a completely different person that the one writing this post right now.

So, after a year of trials and tribulations, I thought I would share with you some of my experiences.

This is by no means the experience of everyone struggling with these same things, but my own personal experience.

After coming to terms with the fact that I had probably been dealing with mild bouts of depression for most of my adult life, I decided to take a stand.

I started doing things for me

A lot of my struggle was that I had gotten so caught up in doing things to make other people like me, that I had forgotten about myself in the process.

So I started doing what I wanted. Even if that meant I was going to be doing them alone.

It was absolutely terrifying at first, but then I got used to the idea of solitude.

I ate alone in restaurants if I wanted a certain kind of food.
I went to movies alone if I there was something I wanted to see.
I traveled alone when everyone else told me they couldn’t come with me.

Doing things by myself helped me realize how capable I am.

While, yes, I did need community and people around me, I was still capable without them. If anything, they just heightened strengths that were already there.

I learned to listen to my body

I don’t know about other people, but in my experience with depression, I am tired all. the. damn. time.

But instead of sleeping like a normal human would, I would continue to push myself to the point of exhaustion, where, I would inevitably break. If there is anything I would caution against, to anyone, it would be this.

I’m also a yes girl. Not because I don’t know how to say no, but because I like to be involved in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

So after multiple breaks and panic attacks from being so stressed out, annnnnnd medicine that would make me pass out, I listen to body and rest when I feel fatigued.

Which brings me to my next point…

Medicine is not the enemy

One of my favorite pastors wrote a book also dealing with depression. One of the first thing he says is that he is not an advocate for antidepressants. His argument is that depression and anxiety are often the root of a much larger issue, not the end all be all.

Which, I believe.

Kind of.

But without the medicine that I was taking for the past 7 months, I know I wouldn’t have made the progress I have.
I also know that there is a good chance that therapy could have done for me what my medicine did in about half the time.

Usually, I’m not an advocate of medicine without counseling, but, if I’m being honest, medicine is about half the price of therapy in Thailand and y’all I was just really trying to do my best okay.

That being said, I don’t think we should be afraid of the things that medicine can help us achieve, as long as we keep in mind that it will not fix us.

I’m still not going to therapy yet, but it’s on my list.
I’m a firm believer that therapy with a willing heart could be the answer to all life’s problems, but I digress.

Depression and anxiety aren’t things that can be “fixed”

And I think that’s one of the biggest things people want.

They want to get rid of this affliction that ails them. Hell, I know I do.

I think it’s easy to think that after therapy, after medicine, after finding someone who will truly be there for you, that things will be better. But that isn’t necessarily true.

Having dark days are inevitable, but they aren’t the end.

I’ve been on the up and up for the past 3 months and I still have really dark days. I mean, just last week I turned off my phone, sobbed and thought some of the darkest thoughts, and went to bed at 8pm. The day had just been too much. Nothing bad had happened. It was just a really bad day.

But knowing that these days will sometimes happen make dealing with them easier when they come. Because I know what it’s like on the other side. and I know that lighter days do exist because I have actually lived them.

The biggest and most important lesson I’ve taken away from this past year is that hope does exist.

So when I’m having an panic attack in the middle of my favorite Mexican spot or sobbing down the highway trying to drive my motorbike in the rain, I hold on to hope.

Hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
Hope that, if anything, my journey might help guide yours and let you know that you are not alone.

Looking back, I’m no where close to where I want to be. But I’m proud of the growth and the things I’ve accomplished. It’s a nice change of pace to be looking towards the future, eager to see what kind of things happen, more equipped for the darker days when they come.

Thank you for joining me on this journey

xo
-Ari