If I’m being honest, I’m starting to lose count on the months abroad. Maybe if I actually wrote them during the months that were happening I wouldn’t be in this self-made predicament.
But here we are.
The word of the year is consistency people.
So what a whirlwind 2020 has been. I’ve kind of touched on this in other blogs that I’ve written, but I’m able to go into more detail with it here.
If I may be so blunt, this past year has been the most magical shitty year all wrapped up in one? I keep looking for the end and not being able to find it.
It’s officially the end of June, which means I should be at home right now, eating In N Out while writing this. but instead I’m siting in my favorite cafe in the city. Not too bad of a trade I’m starting to think.
But let me see if I can wrap it all up into a pretty little bow for you.
Growth and Transformation
The past two years have been incredible transformative for me as a person. I’ve learned how to deal with my toxic past and how to recognize triggers that lead me to making bad decisions.
I’ve been let go as a friend and I’ve let other people go who I thought would be there until the end. and I’ll be honest, losing some of these friendships hurt as badly as a breakup would have felt.
But, everyone reading this knows that I’ll be single for lyffeeee (joking but also kind of not).
Living abroad has transformed the way that I think about community. I moved and saw the way that my friends at home fell into their grooves and found their inner circles and life long partners and tried to replicate that in Chiang Mai. The only problem was that I was inviting people into the inner circle that didn’t belong there.
Instead of finding people that fit me, I tried to fit myself to other people.
And well, that turned out to be quite shite if I’m being honest.
It left me broken in ways I wasn’t sure were possible and confused as ever. After some self medicating (not something I endorse or recommend) and even more anxiety attacks and mental break downs, I started therapy. With an actual therapist. And y’all. Therapy sucks. In a very real, incredible way. It forces you to dig down into past traumas you’ve been built safe houses around to not deal with.
I’m obviously still working through some things, but it’s been by far the best thing to happen to me in 2020. If you can get yourself to a therapist and you can afford the cost, go.
COVID – 19
I’ve already kind of touched on this a bit before, so I don’t really need to speak more about it here, but I really hate it. haha.
I want to be home right now. Fighting with my mom in person. Hugging my dog at night. Beating my brother at board games IRL. Eating my way through the city. Protesting with my friends in a city I love. Feeling cold.
But I’m not, and I know it’s for the best. If I’m being totally honest, I’m not sure how I would be able to handle being home mentally. But it still sucks that that option has been taken away from me.
Things are good here in Thailand. Almost normal because of the procedures we’ve put in place. A mask and some hand sanitizer has joined my purse everywhere I go, but it’s worth it to be able to travel again. I’m hopeful that things in Malaysia will open up soon and I’ll be able to finally start the chapter I’ve been ready for after all this time.
All that being said, if you are reading this from the US, do me a freaking favor and WEAR YOUR DAMN MASK. The data I’m seeing of the number of infections that are sky rocketing up are concerning and it makes me angry. If I can’t come home over Christmas or at all over the next 15 months, I will blame all the non-mask wearers for not taking this seriously.
I mean it. The very least you can do when you go out in your too big group of friends is wear your damn mask. Thank you.
Saying Goodbye to APIS
This is a bit harder to write about. Even now, it makes me tear up just thinking about it. Honestly, I’m not lying when I say that I miss my kids so much that it hurts.
Part of me feels robbed of the “classic goodbye” experience that seems to happen here at APIS. Not getting to spend a week with my kids at the beach. Not getting to see them graduate. Not seeing everyone else on the last day of school and giving them a hug so tight they have to tell me to stop. Not planning the end of year party and getting to see all the teachers from both schools just one last time. But in line with all the other expectations that haven’t been met, it really does seem fitting.
I will say that having done distance learning for the past 3 months has made the whole entire thing a little easier though. Especially considering I might have to start my new job teaching online. Which…. is something I haven’t been able to fully process yet because WHAT THE HECK. I mean, I get it. BUT WHAT THE HECK, YA KNOW???
I just picture myself on projector like in some weird dystopian movie teaching the kids from my bedroom in Thailand.
Y’all. Pray for me that that’s not what I have to do please.
Bored?
I HATE that word. But I feel like that’s the only way to describe how I’m feeling right now. For the first time since the summer before my senior year OF HIGH SCHOOL I have no plans this summer. I’m honestly just trying to patiently wait for Malaysia to let me move there.
I don’t have camp. I don’t have a wild international trip planned. I don’t even have that much extra work. Which, I should be excited about, because more time to this blogging/vlogging/social media stuff right?
But if you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m flipping scared of having this much time. Without having any responsibilities to hide behind, I’m stuck out in the open. Perfection is plaguing me and the only reason I’ve even managed to write this much is because I’m grossed out by myself because I’ve been spending like 9? (NINE) hours a day on TikTok? So needless to say, it was time for a change.
Right now, the plan is to actually figure out my strategy plan/schedule for this summer because if not I think I might actually lose my mind. This is also my public declaration to the 5? people who read this that YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE MUCH MORE TO READ THIS SUMMER.
Anyways…
Here are some of my favorite photos from the past 8 months. (actually my site is being SO annoying right now so I’m posting without photos because if I don’t hit post right now, I never will…sooo come back later)
OH! And I started a YOUTUBE Channel. Your views/subscription will go a long way to help me with that consistency thing ya know? 😉
Here’s the last video that was posted 🙂
Till next month
xoxo
-Ari
