Being Asian in Asia

At this point, this Asian in Asia series is one of the main reasons people tend to promote or read my blog.

Honestly, why people follow me in the first place is still kind of a mystery, but I since I’ve been contributing to more and more blogs and putting my writing out there, people keep talking about this series and it seems like it’s about damn time I explain why the heck this series exists in the first place.

It started back in 2014

When I moved to Thailand at 22, I had no idea what the hell I was in for. Growing up in Portland and visiting Asia often, I thought the whole entire thing would be a breeze.

Boy I was in for a shock.

I don’t think I ever admitted this before, but within the first week, I was nervous. I had arrived in Bangkok and hated it. Having done zero research prior, I didn’t understand that this wasn’t going to be like my past trips to Asia.

I had graduated a year early and missed out on the whole “college experience” so I was determined to make the most of the year (haha) I was going to be in Thailand. So in basic college girl fashion, I started writing about my life abroad.

At first, the blog started out journal style. Then, as I developed more of a voice, I wanted to keep a section of the blog for “journaling” purposes and then the rest for…. unknown “other” stuff.

Thus, Asian in Asia was born.

Asian In Asia

When I talk about it to other people, I tell them it’s what it’s like being Asian in Asia. But if you actually read it, it’s just my life – which does technically fit its title. But I don’t really ever talk about my asian-ness.

There are some months where I write about how my race has impacted my life here, but it’s not something prominent in the blogs.

It was/is uncomfortable for me to write about. I could talk about it openly in person, but there was something the permanence blogging about it I couldn’t quite shake.

It’s taken the civil rights Black Lives Matter movement for me to really understand the weight of my experience here.

I don’t say that to take away from Black Lives Matter, but the whole thing has helped me realize how much being Asian is a core part of my identity.

As an adopted Asian American living in the mono-ethnic culture of Thailand, I hold a very special space. From day one, I realized that I didn’t fit in anywhere but didn’t really want to sink into what that feeling meant.

Until…now.

I’m not seen as an “American” because of the color of my skin. and I’m not seen as Thai because….well I’m not. In the past 6 years, I’ve been mistaken as a prostitute, ignored when I’m with my white friends, not gotten jobs because of my skin color, and even almost kicked off a bus traveling down south. This didn’t happen often, but often enough that I won’t ever forget it.

I’ll dive into those experiences eventually, just not today.

How do I view my Asian-ness now?

Well, first, being Asian American is something I’m actually keenly aware of now. For most of my life, I referred to myself as a white girl. It’s only been a few years since I’ve stopped saying that. But it still slips out every now and then.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve taken a deep dive into what it means to be Asian American. And then processing what that means for my existence in Asia. It’s been a ton of unlearning and processing how much I’ve valued whiteness my whole life. In literally everything, I subconsciously placed being white as the ideal goal. While I knew this wasn’t literally possible, that doesn’t stop me from the way I molded my personality and experience.

It’s hard to admit that as a person of color who is trying to also fight for the rights of the oppressed.

If I’m being honest, I feel so much imposter syndrome wanting to fully claim my Asian-ness now that I’ve spent the past two decades trying to ignore such. But my skin color is not a choice. It’s an inherent part of who I am.

That means my journey in being an ally also includes understanding how to be an ally to myself too.

The color of my skin is something I’m proud of. I’m proud to be adopted from China. I’m proud of my life and where it’s brought me, even if it’s filled with anxiety and trauma.

The space I hold looks a lot different than most Asian Americans and I know that. Not only was my childhood very different, but never living in the US as an adult has only widened the differences.

What will this series look like now?

It’ll look more or less the same with some other stuff thrown in. You can still expect the monthly recaps and (probable but hopefully not) inconsistency, but also stories of my experience of what being Asian in Asia looks and feels like.

Hopefully, you’ll either be able to relate to the experiences I’ve been through or you can learn something new about my life.

So what does that mean for you?

Well first off, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

I really appreciate it. Truly. If it weren’t for the 4 of you that read this, I wouldn’t be here. I wish I were joking about that number, but that’s another thing for another day.

The only thing I ask is for you to continue to hold space for me. If you want, continue to join me on this journey as I figure out my place in this world.

Until next time
xoxo
-Ari